This past Weds I wound up facing an angry person. One who was obviously hostile, shouting curse words, and building themselves up to physically attacking. I looked at that person and calmly, humbly, simply & repeatedly said, "No."
No movement, no hand gestures, nothing but love in my heart for that person. The family police rushed into to de-escalate the situation by isolating me away. Thus all my gorgeous impressionable nieces and nephews now know that Uncle Q is the monster their Daddies saved them from.Not the angry cursing attacker, who Daddy saved from that monster.
I do understand some of the time critical concerns. She is not trained to use physical force at a thought. Not trained to use deadly force in such a manner. I have been so trained, and the few times I have been in those situations did not hesitate to decide losing this life saves many others almost instantly.
The wound from this is not just how this has poisoned the mind and spirit of the next generation of my (former) family. The real thing is the family police have openly declared me not the man they have known for 40+ years. In fact, I WAS the family police. But apparently that man has died, in their minds.
The man who was the genesis of a lot of who they are today, i.e. Minor Co-parent, no longer exists in their mind. The man who they as children and teenagers could rough house with me in any way possible until intentional (unrealized) pain is caused. Thus the family joke about "Angry Man Strength". Until you decide to do some thing that causes extreme pain, knee jerk level, everyone is safe.
As kids, one of my jobs was to walk a brother and sister to school. Not a small walk either. Crossing a few busy Avenues and the many streets covering about 12 inner city blocks to school. Of course I was such a quiet humble person that a couple of kids targeted me to their painful detriment. Surprise Surprise to them, I knew how to throw down. That quiet little boy (then) could kick but, not imaginable.
Even as a group, they could not defeat me, no matter how many times they tried or where they thought that had me... except...
At the middle of our path home they were standing around at the end of the street. I asked my siblings to stand aside and I approached. "Got this deal for you but only for today."
"You let us beat you down or while you are handling one of us, the rest of us will kick the living stuffing out of your siblings. Up for that?"
At that moment, I simply sat down on the front steps of the rowhome in front of us and said, "Okay." Not happy with the fact I never groaned, moaned, or asked for relief even though I had bruises and open wounds all over me they thought they came up with a fine ending. The had gathered my siblings to watch but suddenly directed my much younger sister to join in.
She said, "No."
With what energy and control I had left, I looked at her and said, "Please for their lives, do it. Kick me in the face." With tears running down her face, she did so and kept doing so until she did it with enough force to satisfy them.
And that person, who would throw themselves on a grenade for his family, the person who has NEVER physically responded to a damn thing in their lives, who was part of what guided them to the Careers they enjoy today (true fact), has obviously died.
This strange monster, who looks like him and acts like him, is NOT their brother they knew. I had no clue that their faith in me was gone. Or the only faith they had, was all about how dangerous he could be not about how dangerous he has never been.
I guess the election grief of 2024 was far from the apogee of my life however it is so much higher then the 2024 Thanksgiving. That was, in essence, my funeral from Friendly Fire.
Even now, 1 day and a many hundred miles away, they simply do not realize how they empowered my attacker to fire me from the family. Regardless of how supportive their words are they will not listen to me about what was going on from my side. Endlessly excusing my aggressor and try to calmly dismiss my words as, "you are upset" mind set, they still do not get what happened.
Now I have been gifted PTSD triggers. Their faces, the brothers that I love beyond belief are now triggers where when I see them or think of them, I don't just remember what happened.
I relive it.
Gifted as I now have had my number of triggers expanded. I must have been bored with the plain old combat experience ones. I'm of course not happy with this present, however I have experience in managing them. One key thing, is avoid your triggers.
Thus for my sanity and calm, I can no longer see any family who was there. Which was ALL of them. I grieve the loss of my family, I do, as I was not the one who threw the grenade but I was the one who fell on it... and died.