What is wrong with me... ...

... ... that other people are not telling me?

This is something that has started plaguing my thoughts:

• I don't go to church regularly like I used to because maybe they are not telling me. 

• I don't go to the VFW like I used to because maybe they are not telling me. 

• I don't want to go outside of my house like I used to because maybe people are not telling me. 

I don't want to be an embarrassment to my wife or family or society that I am part of... so instead of making myself available like I should, like I had wanted to, I hide myself away at my computer. Hours and hours spent playing games to keep this Mensan's mind active, praying for the day that I recover more mental ability so that I finally understand what is so wrong with me that people are not telling me.
Now, in fairness, I am probably worrying about nothing. Worrying about something that does NOT exist at all. But from the way some people have treated me I can't help but wonder and worry.

I.e. The Portsmouth Community Campus, where Krempel's is a "tenant", does not wish my presence in their community. So much so, they contacted the Portsmouth Police Department and had a trespassing ban issued upon me. Today, on this Memorial day commemorating my valiant Combat/War service to this country is not welcome at Portsmouth's Civil gathering location. (???)

The real problem, for me, is that there was no reason, at all, given for this action. None so I am left to speculate on possibilities. How petty can the local gov't be to the Federal Gov't that it would like to punish a wounded veteran? Or, or, or, there are so many possibilities that even going done this road is painful.

I just have one question:

What is wrong with me that other people are not telling me?

No amount of reading will ever beat experience...

... and I think this is part of why the Lord let me live.

Before I joined the Army I quietly, but shortly, dated a troubled soul. There was some level of physical interaction and from that brief moment of our lives a daughter was conceieved. Much more on this story, of course, but that would be digressing from the point of this chapter.

So, as I was 18 years old, healthy and untarnished from the events that will take place, I concieved a beautiful and healthy young girl who is getting older as I type. She is a lovely specimen of her father's love and the only child of mine that is still alive. All other offspring have passed on but there is no complaint in my soul regarding this. Those breif moments I had with them, extremely brief, were gifts from the Lord.

One of them, Amanda, almost lived out of toddlers years but succumbed to the condition that has, and will, afflict any child born of me. Nueral Tube Defects are not pretty, particularly encephalocele, of which 4 daughters have been born with from me. From me and several different women. It is, specifically, me that has major chromosomal damage and no one else. They may bring complicating side effects but it is me.

Now, I have always regretted serving in Desert Storm because of the children such service has cost me. Not to mention the emotional pain to women who were worthwhile (after a fashion) before such a loss. One poor woman, my 1st wife, suffered through multiple births and deaths before washing her hands of me and my damage. It is now easy to see why so many co-workers of mine never knew of my service. Talking about it brings the pain into focus and primary status, even just for a brief time, and I just did not want to trawl through that pain over and over again.

One thing that did plague my thoughts was: What would their life be like with such damage to their brains?

After all, even they survive birth with such a condition life long treatment involves "shunts". Revisions of "shunts" are common and the damage from inserting them, heck even removing them, is "unknown" at this level of medical expertise. So, Amanda could have grown up to be a beautiful young lady impaired from repeated, but neccessary, brain injury.

How would she be? What could she remember? When would she think?

These things I did research upon and was worried about the diminished life she would lead.

Talk about hubris hunh? As if life, for me, has been so great that coming up short of mine is a diminishment. The truth it my life, while having interesting moments, has been good. It has been rewarding and worthwhile. Even now, in my diminished state - life is good.

I am surrounded by the love of good woman. Supported by the good graces of my church and sometimes treated well by family members. I have had almost 50 years of interesting times to try to remember, if I can, of worthwhile moments. Primarily because of the Lord's grace but assisted by my refusal of being slimey.

So, in closing, I studied and researched what I feared for my little girl's lives but no amount of that brought me even close to understanding the road in front of them. Heck, the road that Amanda walked for a few years. Now, practical experience is showing me what I thought I knew, but feared, and is showing me that life is still good.

Even now.

A Walking Miracle Who Ain't...

Those who are familiar with the details of my accident point out to me that I am a walking miracle.

I stand tall.

I walk tall.

I talk without drool.

My eyes see you for the potential target you may be.
It is not lazy nor am I.

There are 5 groups of support nature that I am going to type about. Community Action Partners, St John's United Methodist Church, Eve Online Buddies on Skype, Krempel's Center (Stepping Stones previously), and the Ingress community.

Community Action Partnership of Strafford County is a 501(c)(3) private nonprofit organization celebrating 50 years of service. Our mission is to educate, advocate and assist people in Strafford County to help meet their basic needs and promote self sufficiency. We do this through a variety of coordinated programs and services that rely on local, state and federal partnerships and collaborations. (Irony being that at the time of my accident I was the Asst Spvr for Strafford County's Meals on Wheels program.)

St. John’s is a diverse and reconciling congregation of almost 450 members actively seeking to discover what it means to live and work together as people of God. We are located in Dover, New Hampshire USA.

Eve Online (stylised EVE Online) is a video game by CCP Games. It is a player-driven, persistent-world MMORPG set in a science fiction space setting. Characters pilot customizable ships through a galaxy of over 7,500 star systems.[1][2] Most star systems are connected to one or more other star systems by means of stargates. The star systems can contain moons, planets, stations, wormholes, asteroid belts and complexes.

Players of Eve Online can participate in a number of in-game professions and activities, including mining, piracy, manufacturing, trading, exploration, and combat (both player versus environment and player versus player). The character advancement system is based upon training skills in real time, even while not logged into the game.

Krempels Center is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of people living with brain injury from trauma, tumor or stroke. In partnership with universities and community volunteers, we offer programs that engage our members in meaningful and productive experiences and provide ongoing support and resources to those impacted by brain injury. Because Krempels is not a medical-based program bound by insurance requirements we do not use the word client or patient, but rather member. In addition, the organization’s community outreach initiative provides education to the public about brain injury and brain injury prevention.

Ingress is a near-real time augmented reality[3] massively multiplayer online pervasive game created by Niantic Labs, a startup within Google, currently for Android devices,[4] but expected to be available for Apple's iOS in 2014.[1] The game has a complex science fiction back story with a continuous open narrative.

Now, these groups have supported me after a fashion. Today I found out that my application to Community Action Partners was rejected. Shocking turn of events as the interviewer found my details to be quite in line with what Community Action Partners do. What disqualified me? I'm a walking talking miracle who is a combat veteran of the United States of America. (???)

I am not DISABLED enough to worry about. And if my disability does become an issue, let the U.S. Government handle it - if they will.

St John's has been there for me during my recovery. They even did a complete criminal background check on me so that I could, potentially, be alone with children (as needed). That compliment is ... a compliment. However shortly before my accident I upset a fellow church member. Around that time there was a horrible incident that ended with the death of a Police Cheif (acting heroically!) and the death of the Perpetrator. I joined in the expression of greif and loss from such a hero (and he was) however I would not find comfort in the loss and death of the perpetrator. I shared my dismay that too many christians were rejoicing in such an outcome. To me, the death of a sinner is a soul lost, I care not what his sin.

Eve Online buddies, got my back. Most of them are military veterans and within driving distance. They know the efforts I've made on their behalf - in Eve and in real life. They've been supportive like family.

Krempels Center.

This one is complicated. Like Community Action Partners, I am not disabled enough to fit the bill they hawk around during fundraising time. Added complication, one of their pronounced disabled "stars" took a strong liking to me. So much so she became my Stalker. When I went to the Police to stop this activity (before it became even worse) the Steppings Stones program expressed "fear of me" to their local Police Dept. So, in turn, their local Police Dept issued a public ban on my presence. In essence, a restraining order without any judicial oversight of any kind.

So reporting my stalker, who was trying to ruin my marriage and leech funds from me, got me punished without any kind of representation.

Didn't we, the Americans of the United States, complain about this at one point?

Now, I'll skip talking about the Ingress Community as I have talked a lot about them in very complimentary fashion. They don't care who I was, they don't care what happened to me (though when they find out they all say "damn"). The only they care about, which is the only thing that matters, is what I bring to the table of that community.

Now, all of this is to explain why I am depressed.

This kind of crap never lets up.

I event went to the Local Police Dept in question. They don't care to listen to a freemason veteran who is disabled. They only care about the "lie" that they were given. Afterall, I'm a brain injured person of over 6 feet in height, a combat veteran with a purple hear, who should not be afraid of that person?

I mean, he is brain injured.

Why listen to his jibber jabbering?

Therein lies my real trauma from Traumatic Brain Injury. How the society I bled for, fought for, is so readily willing to discard me.

That is why I am a Pease Greeter. I never want a soldier to feel discarded or dismissed.

Not like I have felt or like I now feel.

F.I.R.S.T.

Most people don't know what that means but if you work at Home Depot you will. It is an anagram of the prevailing philosophy that dominates that environment. To become a part of that family you learn, first, what that means and you will recall it, first, before you do anything.

Find

Inquiry

Respect

Solve

Thanks

For the past weeks that has been the philosphy guiding my working hours. Interestingly enough that is a very military philosophy of which I was already well familiar with. It was, and still is, a guiding philosophy that I hold close to me heart. However, following it, recently, failed me.

I am unsure of how. Now, with my cognative disabilities, I could, all unaware to myself, be slipping into dimensia. After all, when you die it is not a problem for you. Just a problem for everyone else in your life. Same thing when you are Stupid... or cognatively disabled.

But, onward.

    At work I would always greet everyone I came across. (Find)

    I would ask everyone I came across if they needed help. (Inquire)
        Customer - Looking to help them.
        Employee - Just a customer by a different name.

    When responded, yes or no, I respected their decision and proceed to the next step. (Respect)
        No, moved on to my duties.
        Yes, how may I assist?

    If they needed my help, help. If not, moved on to my job. (Solve)

    Whenever I left, I said Thank you.

Now, I will be honest: My aphasia, which still crops up, made me seem like the most gregarious person in the world. I jokingly call myself the biggest Jester you will ever meet. And it is true: Like many good comedians, my life has sucked. Instead of crying about it, on the outside, I laugh at the world. Better to make a joyful noise at the universe (or to the Lord as I feel it) then to sit back crying over my little spot of it.

In the beginning of my work "career" I offended a co-worker (Find). Apparently my willingness to help made her feel bad/awkward. Over the next couple of weeks I found out more about her (Inquire). She is a care giver for a victim of traumatic brain injury. (Inquire) The victim is her grandfather who, proudly, dance the edge of life's blade without any remorse. When the edge reached out and finally bit him, it damaged his brain stem. (Inquire)

Now, my opinion regarding such sinful egoism is apparent by the way I described it. However I strove to be as considerate and helpful as I could be. (Respect) Without telling her, her position is very much the one that my lovely wife is in. My wife gets exceedingly frustrated but, in fairness, her frustrations are not with my brain injury. Even before my brain injury, I did not fit in well with society. (Read about me)

I needed training while doing my job. Many mistakes can be easily made especially by a new guy. She was very helpful in bringing me upto speed  and I was able to meld into my job nicely. (Solve) However I felt a personal debt of a two fold nature: As a care giver, she should be more thanked then she probably is. (Respect) And she started to feel like my guardian angel which obligates me to say thank you. (Thanks)

So at the end of my lunch on Monday, April 21st, I walked over to Target and bought a thank you card. I looked at the cute ones, they either didn't apply or could be misconstrued. So I swung over to the humorous ones. I picked one with a tall broad guy, of which I am, but he was wearing bad torn jeans. Inside the card said, "Wanted to Thank you in a Big Ass way!" I then showed it to a co-worker who chuckled and said she would like it. I then went inside, wrote thank you for your help and support. I then wrote her name on the card and, trying to keep inocuous level of interaction, I tossed the envelope to her saying I found this on the ground. (Solve) I then continued on with my duties without any hesitation of any kind. Some times thanks without elaboration is the best.

Little did I realize the damage to my career that I had just done.

No need to elaborate on this point as much of it involves the thought processes of others, however my action(s) raised, in her, the spectre of sexual harrassment. That spectre, by corporate policy, is to be laid to rest firmly and immediately. The appearance, just the appearance, of such issues far outweigh any substance regarding the situation. I, a Freemason, wound up blacklisted for the next 6 months. Any errors, even the tiniest ones, would see the termination of my employment and not in a favorable light.

So maintianing a straight face, while crying inside, I completed my tour of duty. I went home, stressed out beyond my mental capacity to handle, and fussed at my wife until I passed out. From a standing position in my living room I came to needing my wife's assistance to stand. (she respected my need to shut down and left me alone while keeping an eye on me.) I figured out one thing, that work environment is not for me. I still don't have feelings in parts of my hands and in most of my face. The one place I still have strong feelings is apparently very vulnerable - my heart.

So I resigned from Home Depot. I got what I wanted from them after all. Proof that I am physically sufficient to almost any task that the world can call upon me. Proof that I can function, well enough, in a large dynamic social situation. However this proved to me that I am not capable of dealing with disharmonious individuals, of which there are many in many work places. So, I am retreating a bit into a safer place but I am not retreating from work. Just I know the difference between resisting to your detriment or being enlightened and maintaining your dignity and faith... by leaving willingly.

Closing:

People laugh at me because the think I am different,
I laugh at them because they are all the same.

I am an Explorer...

... and nothing short of death will stop me.

This is something that is a problem for some of the people in my life:

•     My wife, who worries about me,
•     My friends, the ones still dealing with the impact my accident made in their own psyches,
•     Fellow Masons, especially those who's careers are impacted by letiguous hyenas,
•     Even co-workers.

Co-Workers - Working at Home Depot is satisfying a number of needs, pay being the least one. There is alot of physical activity and exercise which is helping me develop into who I used to be. Sadly, some have some experience in dealing with the disabled. One with way too much experience with brain injury. Her trouble is she became the care giver for someone who took very foolhardy risks, with ego & pride. The risk finally caught up with this loved one, of her's, and she is torn between her love for the man and her frustration with his condition & opinion of how he did this to himself.

Another need is the fluid population. The co-workers, there are many whose schedules are very fluid, the customers, whose needs and personalities are extremely fluid, and vendors, again fluid needs. The exercise strains my cognition on a daily basis however it is restoring my confidence inside myself.

Fellow Masons - Have been at my side, like good Brothers. Which they are. However, like brothers, some of them are risk averse. My gregarious nature frightens some of them. Before my accident, it was contained and controlled. It made me something to watch and enjoy. I am relearning that balance however there are those who fear the potential lawsuits that could be slapped against me. Frivolous lawsuits, yes, ones based on the fact that I don't act like others of our society. The truth is I have never acted like others of our society. Just now it is much more obvious. (My wife found an excellent quote that she feels describes me but I'll share it at the end.)

My Friends - Local ones were greatly impacted by my accident. The are good friends, almost siblings. They supported my wife during my initial recovery, they supported me as my sapience grew and returned. One even served as a care giver during my first weeks out of the hospital. However they have developed a negative triat. If a goal come out of my mouth, after all you share these things with friends, the immediate responses are ones that are about how many troubles there are reaching for the stars. What they don't realize is that they are inhibiting me from being me.

My wife - Of course she is worried about me. Her love for me is of an epic nature. One the I brought down upon myself by choice. When I met her, I knew. Just knew, nothing more, nothing less. In fact I am tearing up right now trying to find words about her and my love for each other. She is the life of me. So much so that talking about her makes me regret my nature. I am the outer bounds of what she accepts from external behaviors, male or female. Irony being ironic, I found out that it is my "out of bounds" nature matched with my integrity and self discipline that is what generated love of me in her.

Another aspect of my condition is my inhibitions have been removed. It has made me something she doesn't like. Loves but doesn't like. In retrospect, that was the basis of our relationship. Someone who acts in ways that strengthens her love for him but, by her nature, acts in ways she doesn't like. That was a nice edge to live on for over a decade however my accident has added worry to the trifecta of emotions that runs through her heart. Will it work, that is the question regarding my marriage. Love her I do, love me she does, I think it is strong enough to survive this. No, I have faith that she is my partner the Lord has determined for me to have.

She found a quote that she feels explains me very well -

    People laugh at me becuase they think I am different.
    I laugh them because they are all the same.

"Do you know what it is like to be unmade"

I owe Joss Whedon much more than a couple of movie tickets. I don't know how, I can't even guess, but somehow he gets it. Many it's I'll admit. One fine example among the many is in the Avenger's movie where Clint (Hawkeye) is strapped down in a flight couch trying to regain himself and having Black Widow hover over him. This scene is very much my life... over and over again.

I am strapped down by many things however with gentle firmness I have a dark angel who hovers over me. She loves me, she guides me, and tries to keep me within boundaries. Much to her frustration and annoyance however her continued presence and concern for me just shows me how much I am loved.

Whenever the pain of this becomes so much that I scream from it, and I do, thoughts of her bring me back to life. As the Lord intended, my Eve helps this Adam from going insane.

Reconstructing A Life Dismantled... ...

... is time consuming.

How many of you have sat down and on paper identified aspects of your life? Just sit down for a day or two and figure out the important parts. Go on, do it.

It seems easy: Wife, kids, family, friends, home.

Wife: Where'd you meet her(/him)? How did the spark of love ignite? How many times?

Kids: Remembering the first time you held your child? Each time? When the spoke, when they "whatevered"?

Family: How many times did you do "x" to that sibling over there? How many regrets from growing up do you have or have created? Dad? Mom? Aunts and Uncles? On and on...

Friends: On and on... on and on....

Home: On and on... on and on....

Just in this small list of what makes a life which do you WANT deleted? How much of this can you stand to have deleted... by someone else's choices?

That's the depression I face now. Every day almost every minute. Remembering what I was going to do... trying to do.... consumes my waking moments. Along the way I endure many social jibes and pokes. Some good and helpful, some most definitely not.