It's a Reason, not an Excuse

Recently I was approached with a troubling situation. Troubling for the people wondering, not a problem for me at all. When the situation was presented to me I laughed and suggested that they move  forward with my blessing. I love nothing more than to be accused of misdeeds that I did not do and can prove it.

So that was the situation presented to me: Some people though that I engaged in some nefarious behavior and was going to seek damages against me for such behavior. In fact this troubled me not at all however it was HOW it was presented to me that got under my skin.

For months, years in fact, I have made myself available for social activity to some of the wondering people. I would, once a month, sit down and have coffee with a few of them who were going to seek those damages. At what point did they approach me? At what point did they seek answers to the speculations?

None, but that did not stop them from including a friend of mine in their hostile solution. The friend contacted me with "Crap, there is an issue!!!" and I chuckled at the silliness he presented. However it was not the WHAT that bothered me, it was HOW it approached me.

What?
Speculations of cheating.
Easy to cure.

How?
Slandering my good name.
Incurable.

That is the reason I blew up. And it could be an excuse, indeed. Yet not the point I was bringing up.

See I routinely talk about my brain injury. I have to, a part of me is trapped by the experience in a PTSD kind of trap. Every day I go through stress and panic over "is it going to happen again?" My accident was totally unpredictable and my emotional mindset is trapped worrying over the next unplanned event in my life.

Being so routinely stressed out my reactions at times can be extreme. The person who approached me got no hostility from me. In fact, I still like him. The people who speculated and was going to seek damages against me, a fair bit of hostility. Undeserved I'll admit but not unwarranted either.

Ingress and social media... those vehicles did not deserve my hostility regarding this issue. Of course there are many other to grump about but this should not have made the list. So I am trying to deal with the guilt of those I disrespected with my actions.

To those who I directed my hostility: Sorry.

To myself, for acting the fool: Sorry.

Accusations

I am a brain injury survivor. Traumatic Brain Injury, in fact. Which means one day, several years ago, I drove down to Boston for the Boston Hub on Wheels charity fund raiser. I paid to ride 20 miles through that gorgeous town on a 10-spd bicycle. At 15 miles something happened which ended up with me doing a 30 mph face plant on the asphalt.

Forearms mangle, face and skull broken, medically comatosed until the bleeding & swelling reduced. I am annoyed that the face fractures were not compound as my disability/damage might be more obvious to people I interact with but it is not.

The lingering Mal-adjustments for me is Aphasia and pain all day long in my arms. Pain is easy to explain but why it lingers not so easy. Nerve damage inside my forearms and my brain takes forever to heal, if it ever will. Aphasia is a cognitive damage that lessens over time due to practice and experience but will never ever go away.

What is Aphasia?

For me, it is the occasional loss of language. At times, I may say words that are totally out of linguistic context of the dialogue I am engaged in. Sometimes, annoying times, I completely lose the ability to speak. My mouth works, my jaws move, but I can't find words with which to speak.

It also has robbed me of being able to dice words to keep anything private. Things that should not ever be said, I will say. Answers that should not be given, I will when asked. It is not that I don't lie - I can't as I do not have the mental capacity to NOT answer in detail to any question presented to me.

Imagine that? Any question posed to you, you answer in annoying level of detail. Not by any choice either mind you.

So here I sit, having to deal with some accusations most dealt to me on the sly. Not upfront where my disability would answer them straight on. No, from side angles where my loss of emotional response sets me off like a time bomb. Where my aggravation levels go to extremes and I respond accordingly thus proving that I am now something of a social embarrassment.

A group of old friends saw me that way, so I resigned from my Lodge. I am publicly banned from some parts of Portsmouth, N.H. simply because in the misbegotten opinion of a few people brain injury makes me "unsafe" for "safe" locations. I am "possibly" mental undesirable to serve the Officer Position I hold with my VFW. But no one has been bold enough to present these questions to me for me to answer.

When I find out about such things I respond strongly due to several reasons: I don't quite have the social know-how to respond well; Emotionally I have been reduced to a teenager; I am by nature an upfront person who strives to address things upfront then and there.

As an example: For a time I worked at Home Depot. A co-worker complained that I made her feel sexual. I made HER feel sexual. I always greet a woman with respect, apparently doing so can cause some people to feel something that they are not used to feeling. My response to this accusation: I quit Home Depot.

Why?

Because such an accusation has no viable response from the accused. Especially given my brain injury. It is so easy these days to paint me with any kind of brush that my accusers wish to paint me with.

So I recently faced several situations where I was accused of not being capable or of engaging in erroneous behavior. In one case, my response shut things down with a speed and firmness that encourages me to trust responding vigorously without hesitation. I realize that may not always be ideal as my response to the other accusation was firm, vigorous, and may fuel continuance of the accusation as "Why such a firm response unless you are guilty?"

Therein lies my disability. At face value, I am undamaged but act odd. And given the speculative natures of other human beings, odd is not always good or welcome. Irony being ironic, I am kind of grateful for this unpleasant situation. Experience sucks especially when you don't have any. This situation is yet another learning experience for me... ... just painful to endure but endure and strive for better I will.

Is it Police Harrassment? (Probably Not but....)

On May 25th, 2016 I was, yet again, stopped by a Somersworth Police Officer. Correction: I was already stopped, of my own accord, and the Police Officer found my stopping in a public parking lot curious and turned on her lights. She then approached my car, told me that because I was stopped at a public parking lot around 1 AM she found that curious oh and may I have your driver's license and registration. 10 - 15 minutes later I am allowed to resume my tasks.

Now, this incident is, by it's nature, Illegal. Just because something is "curious" does not give a Police Officer the right or authority to interrupt another citizen's day. And for me this is a problem as I am forever going to do things that are "curious". Off-beat, strange, off-the-wall, curious.

• I could say that it is because I'm a recent Traumatic Brain Injury survivor.
• I could say that it is because I'm a member of Somersworth VFW and all that entails.
• I could say that is is because I'm a Freemason, Mensa, Airborne Trooper, on and on.
• However I have NEVER been illegal with anything I have ever said or done, period.

That being said, I sometimes get stressed out while driving and I pull over to the side of the road to take a deep breath. I find the best place to pull over is PUBLIC parking lots. Due to work schedules I am, at times, out and about around midnight. Strangely moving around at that time seems to strike the "curious" note with your young Officers and they proceed to pull me over.

Being of large stature I can only wait for the day an Officer shoots me as some sort of so called appropriate response to my stature. After all, I suffer Aphasia. Maybe one of these stops I engage in a tourettes fit and get shot for telling an annoying intrusive Officer off. I have yet to ever get a ticket in Somersworth with all the stops but what if I choose to stop these curious fishing expeditions? Somehow or another your Officers are abusing their authority diminishing the "automatic" respect those lights grant.

Is it THE LAW that I must let them continue interrupting my day just because they are "curious"? Is that the Freedom I defended with my sweat, blood, and skill? I don't think so. Again I re-iterate: Curious is NOT a valid legal reason to stop anyone anytime.

I proudly refuse to allow you, the Police Dpt, to infringe on the Liberty I sweated, bleed & killed for in return for a little bit of Security, no matter how loose or tight you can provide it. So I can only presume that because of my brain injury, which I received due to no fault of my own, I have been identified as a problem child. Far too many visits to my house on spurious reasons, far too many parking lot stops for spurious reasons.

A question comes to mind: What is the number for Somersworth's Police Dept legal representation?
After all, I need to know who to serve with lawsuit papers.

Dinosaurs still exist...

"Interesting point, they do still exist. In human form but they still hang around."

Currently, I'm once again helping some Dinosaurs enter this millennium. Sadly, the last time I did it was a resoundingly ungrateful success. I started interacting with a group of Dinosaurs from a fraternity I belonged to but little did I know this chapter was not the best heart-ed or brightest. Instead of trying to climb the fraternity officer ladder, like many of them seek, I just puttered around in areas I knew well.

I started them with a Facebook page, to garner attention and connection with each other even spent time with Photoshop using my skills to give them something of an interesting banner they could use (and still do); started a Google calendar so they could plan & announce activities. Granted at the time it was, to them, not a worthwhile activity so they treated it as such. Not too long after my brain injury, it became important enough to them so that they asked me to hand everything off to someone else. This was before I realized what an embarrassment I now was to some of them.

What they don't realize, or give a damn about, is that as the creator I still get notices of changes and activities. In fact, I know how much they use this medium. Not a humongous amount but usage is growing. I know what they don't give a damn about: Thanking the guy who started them on the path to this millennium.

To be fair, I never mince my words, I've never been quite politically correct (possibly ever). However asking if that Turnip is a turnip should not be something held against me though many humans have done so. I just thought that this fraternity was above such failings. When I learned otherwise I debated leaving the fraternity entirely but settled on leaving the chapter involved. I've yet to find another one to belong to and I am afraid that while I may satisfy the requirements of the fraternity.... does the fraternity meet those same requirements or mine?

So here I am, once again, looking to help a worthwhile group of Dinosaurs to connect with this millennium. Upgrading the "official" computers operating system, forming blind recipients e-mail lists and notifications, heck some of them bring me their new smartphone and ask "How do I do this?" or "How do I do that?" And I'm the one brain injured?!?

Not that I'm thinking about stopping this activity mind you. I'm just griping about the last time I did this and how I was treated. Granted I could've spoken up in my defense at several junctures but that would've have created discord with my name at the center of it all. That's a big no-no and I didn't want to give those  so inclined to give me the heave ho from the fraternity.

So, yes I'm going to do it. Yes, I'll be happy to do so as I'm sure these guys will appreciate any effort on their behalf, even if they don't quite get it. The one thought that they generate inside themselves, "Thank you". Ironic, when people think about it they thank these guys & gals for their service all the time. Little do people realize that we only did it out of gratitude for our fellow citizens and for our country. We don't need the thanks but they are nice when given.

What is a support group?

I've been to many Brain Injury support groups in the past 3 years since my accident. A few are weak but they try to be a support group, bless their souls, but one or two are just awful. The horrendous experience I am enduring with one has my back up so far I'm thinking about calling an attorney. That being said by complete happenstance I found one support group that has been phenomenal. And their goal has nothing to do with Brain Injury exclusively.

Even during my accident, I kept trying to walk. Unconscious, broken, bleeding from compound fractures - I still marched on. So after I came home I started walking around my current home town. While walking I noticed this old church with the sign "Dumont Lessard VFW Post". Noticed that the grounds was not as beautiful as the building so I started doing regular police calls of the property. One of the members noticed me, walked up, asked my name and >boom< found out I could join.

Since that time the Post has gently learned and dealt with my condition. They've always helped me get involved with anything I seem interested in, and I've yet to discover anything I'm not, and they are always beside me with helpful hands regardless of the activity I've become involved with. In essence, they've become part of my family. Grumpy, lovable, annoying, interesting, crazy, calm, wise members of my family but family none the less.

That IS a support group!

Now, I've been allowed to shoulder some tremendous mental responsibilities as I grow up. And truth be told, I am still regrowing into an Adult, mentally. Not quite at my physical age mentally, yet, but my VFW allows/helps me to exercise my mental & physical abilities to strengthen those aspects of me that my accident greatly diminished in me.

A friend of mine is shocked at the difference that can be clearly seen if one takes the time to look. In person, my abilities with language are difficult and, at times, can be greatly diminished from a "normal" rational human being. The shocking difference, in their eyes, is the complete turn around when I type what I am thinking. In their words, "OMG I want a signed copy of each book you write!"

That IS a support group!

Even though lately I have to shamefully confess to having developed some social anxiety issues. In the development of that issue I have disconnected myself from a worthwhile group of Skype friends. When I was in a coma, they drove several hours down to Boston to support my wife during my operations and what not. When I was moved to rehab hospital, they swung by on occasion. When I was released, they were always there on Skype to help me relearn how to talk and socially interact. And let me tell you, like a toddler I was in the beginning, without their guidance I'd be as awkward as can be. So I proudly say:

That IS a support group!

Blessings come in all forms....

This is going to sound pathetic, it is, but I have once again been approached by the Somersworth Police on behalf of the Portsmouth Police. I have yet again be issued a Trespass Notice. I, for the next year, am not allowed at the Portsmouth Community Center.

This is not a problem as I rarely go there. However, that being said, this situation has interfered with my duties as VFW Post #4485 Surgeon Officer. This spiteful action was taken against me a couple of years ago.

At times there are community meetings held by the State Gov't that I should attend. Went to the public Governers Meeting on Brain Injury Affair. Was in the audience until someone tapped my shoulder. It was a Portsmouth Police Officer. We quietly exited the meeting room and then they asked me if I would leave. The Officer was obviously ashamed of his duty so I gave him no trouble whatsoever and I quietly left.

Why is this yet again appearing on my door step? No idea, I don't visit. It's been several months since my last visit. What is the complaint? Unspecified. What crime did I commit? Again, unspecified. However it is clear that without any charge, of any kind, Portsmouth has found me guilty.

 

My past relationship with the Community Center? It houses the Brain Injury Support Group Krempels Center. I am one of the rare fired support members. Apparently they have issue with someone who is unafraid to ask "Why?" when it comes down to money matters. In essence, they wanted to bill me so much money. No problem, just why? 

 

But here I am a few hours ago talking about how blessed I am. I wake up and while I'm fixing my breakfast the police knock on my door. Yes, I am blessed but now I am fricking pissed that my name is being slandered by the City of Portsmouth.

I am blessed with purpose,

I am now the Quartermaster at my VFW post. I am trying to learning my duties but it is not easy as many of my fellows (other members of my VFW) don't know, or understand, the function and duties of the Quartermaster. Doesn't slow down commentary on my performance though.

One of the things I'm realizing is that, essentially, I've once again become an enlisted man serving an organization. My Commander, outstanding gent btw, is the officer who helps set and define our goals. Essentially it is my job to be his NCO and see that that the goals are met. How that is accomplished is, like military history, upon my shoulders.

Guided by examples that led the charge before my time, guided by traditions laid out by generations before me, confined by laws and common sense practices, I will meet the standards of that mission.

So before me is the task of finding guidance. Focusing my energies towards that goal, gathering the willpower to maintain determination and discipline to be another worthwhile example to the coming generation of VFW members, and following Quartermasters, I will strive to be more than who I used to be even before brain injury.

It is in these moments of clarity that I realize, in many ways, how blessed my life is. Let me count the ways:

Dad - I love you. A Vietnam Era Marine who took me under his wings and raised me though he did not have the bearing of me. The bumper sticker I got from my church says it all, "DNA does not prove family. Love Does!"

Yvonne - The love of a good woman is more powerful than many will ever realize this side of life. Without her in my life, even before my accident, I would be a poor excuse of a human being. Through her efforts and guidance I have, in many ways, become a better man than Special Forces made of me.

The VFW - Many people don't realize the good works of this organization. I can't speak of other programs from the VFW. But I can say this: During my recovery I have been involved with many "support" groups for brain injury survivors. Some were good, some were quite the opposite (no names will be mentioned), but none have helped me re-grow into a worthy person like the people at my Post of the VFW.

At no point did they ever dissuade me from trying. Even if it looked beyond my reach, mentally or physically, did they stop me. Caution me from concern for me, like siblings do, but slow me down - Never did they try that. They understood the passionate heart that throbs in my chest. They understood that as long as I breathe I will strive to be more today than I was yesterday.

They understand the Marine I was raised to be, they understand the Airborne trooper that I was and still am, they understand that I am damaged and my striving is not to fix the damage but to do more even with the damage. At no point do I feel diminished in their presence though secretly I think I always will feel that way about myself after my brain injury.

So, gladly I say I have a purpose. Handle my duties as Quartermaster, share with the younger generation of possible members the joy that comes from continuing to serve, and identify a powerfully good brain injury survivor outlet for the returning soldiers with similar disabilities.

Yes, you are damaged and not who you used to be.
Yes, it is not an easy road to travel with many pitfalls and hazzards to navigate.
Yes, you are still needed and wanted while breath still inhabits your body.

If you want it, there is a place built for us - at the VFW.