I am torn between acceptance and anger

I accept that I had an accident, I accept that I am disabled however what makes me angry is just how small a "box" being disabled forces me into.

I am NOT disabled enough for a handicap placard or recognition from Social Security, oh no, that would make sense. However I am disabled enough that Habitat is worried I might now be insane or, Civil Air Patrol thinks I might be a liability in practical exercises. Habitat I understand, the guys running it here in NH are petty. C.A.P. I don't understand.

When I was a teenager I was in C.A.P. though I was growing up in North Philly. I have since served in the 101st Airborne and as a combat soldier in Desert Storm. Yet, somehow my accident give the part time Boy Scout Pretend-2-Be Soldiers pause..?? Of the two of us, which one amongst us understand the physical and mental needs to be at the needs of the military?

Add to which I almost made it to West Point... just off my abilities. My disqualification had nothing to do with my abilities or integrity in any way shape or form. If I had just one iota less honor, I would have made it to Ft Monmouth, N.J. and from there university and officer school. All just based on my entrance exam and the subsequent S.A.T. Taken while in Basic Training on extended physical sleep deprived exercises. I did not just pass, I excelled....

There in lies my distress: Who gets to define my handicap for me?

People seem to think my cognition should be impaired so they do my thinking for me. Regardless of whether I want them to or not. Supposedly I should be upset about what happened to me, so I am a bundle of unexpressed anger if I can ever think hard enough to tap into it. My problem is that I am only obedient to the Lord... and my Father. Therein lies the difficulty with some of the support groups. They would like to me have a lazy eye and do a bit more drooling. Be sympathetic in appearance so that people will feel sorry for me and open their wallets to fund the support group's marketing program.

At what point are people taking advantage of my disability for their own purposes?

The inability of the medical establishment to specify exactly what I will have to deal with, to face, in the long term recovery makes me the unwanted child. Ambiguous enough to speculate, and using that speculation for financial gains, however ambiguous enough that I am to be disregarded.

In fact, just by not kowtowing to assumed authority, not my wife, got me into trouble with the Police. Did not raise my voice, made no gestures of any kind, but because I won't let someone else define my disability for me... I am a threat.

Sapience Returning... ...

Recently, I got the urge to write about "something". This "something" was a major factor in one of my favorite books, which has rested upon my cheek as I fall asleep many recent nights. It is not that the book is that hard, oh no. I used to consume books like they were going out of style. After my injury, I have trouble consuming books like I used to although I do try.

The book in question is called "Little Fuzzy". I've searched the internet and apparently people seem to miss the, in my mind, one of the most important aspects of this book. In particular, the book spends time defining (and debating) SAPIENCE.

Sapience is generally defined: Having great wisdom and discernment. (taken from freedictionary.com) Not to plagiarize in any way, this definition is used by most dictionaries. Words used change from book to book, legalese being what it, however the essential definition stays the same.

The reason this is important to me?

For a solid part of a year my sapience was suspended. In fact, it is still reforming. Let us consider that my wisdom, what I had, was completely rebooted from scratch. Stuck with the memories of a Mensan Combat War Veteran who grew up in the ghetto of Philadelphia.... but zero wisdom in all those memories. Naive like a newborn child.

That is not to say my cognition was suspended. Oh my, was it damaged, still is to be honest. As an example, I know that I am a Tall Poppy. Knowing what happens to Tall Poppies you would think that I would not be so obvious in my Tallness. But no...

Going with this example: I got to enjoy watching two Tall Poppies interact. One Poppy is trying to rehabilitate something by getting the other Poppy to get involved with the matter. I watched the uninvolved Poppy shirk and shrug, negatively about himself, while the motivated Poppy continued on. Eventually I was noticed and accepted, as a spectator (?), while this continued until I could not keep my mouth shut. I pointed out the issue for uninvolved Poppy, basically pointed to the cross we all bear while alive, while explaining the essence of motivated Poppy's intentions.

Three Tall Poppies talking forming an interesting trinity. I can't seem to avoid the trinity in my life. So daring to open my mouth, I am now on the list of potential resources for motivated Poppy to consider. Which brought me to a stress relieving epiphany.

My life has recently been plagued by the actions and intentions of people without good intentions my direction. Challenging their behaviors has created a butt load of work for me. Painful, stressful, work. And I am no closer to having things solved. However I realized that not only should I stop trying... trying to solve their problems/issues grants them more power of me than they deserve.

So instead of investing time and energy into correcting bad behaviors... I am just going to invest my time and energy into motivated Poppies agendas and goals. After all, I voted "for" him, the least I can do is make myself available for the needs of my local Mayor.

PS: This button is so you can donate to my ongoing blog. However, those that purchased my autobiography are getting them. Virtual first, of course, those that wanted printed will take some printing time.

Christmas on the way...

I recently discovered something that may help me with my recovery. That being said, it is not cheap. Being "not cheap" convincing my Commander-In-Cheif is not going to be easy, at all. My finances are in flux or I would do this outright myself.

That being said, if you click the link you will be purchasing an advanced copy of my autobiography.As an added bonus, please include your name (or however you wish to be remembered) so that I can personally sign a physical copy for you when physical copies are available.

Here is the post I made on Google+ and on Facebook:

• I am looking at Google Glass as a tool to help me with my disability. It is hard to explain where I am now insufficient without touching on the subject of alcohol or drugs. But it is the simplest way to explain: Get drunk, or high, and try doing math. Or juggling, or swinging a hammer, or thinking this paragraph out. That is the problem with my mental capability.
  
  Vertigo? No. Cognition decreased? No. (Actually my IQ is better now!) Memory? Um.... I don't remember how bad my memory is so ask another question, please.
  
  That is why Glass will do me some good. My life has turned into a working case file requiring me to walk around with a bag to hold wallet, keys, paper, lists, tools, etc., etc.. Glass would removed a lot of baggage I need but, more importantly, it would help me to remember tasks without having to dig around for my tasks list. Where I may have put it... if I can remember where I put it.

So if you want a copy now, digital, please include an email address with your name. Thank you and may you have a nice & Merry Christmas.