Friday, March 7, 2014

Why me Lord?

I posted something without realizing that it was an epiphany. A flash of insight of my marriage and who I am... now. It is hard to help people understand the struggles I face, day in - day out, when they have no basis for relativity. Even my relatives!!

"sat there listening to my wife answer the questions where I don't have memories of my accident."

My wife, my partner, has had her life drastically changed. And not for the better. What she must endure for, and from, her husband is of almost epic proportions. She shared with me some memories from my trauma room stay. Her initial perspective was covered in blood.

My clothing, which had been cut away from me, was saturated in blood. I was naked and had IV's running in and out of my body. Life support was being pushed into places it need to be pushed into. I could not be laid horizontally so they splinted, as much as they could, my forearms and used what IV points still existed. Eventually they had to use my legs for all of that but that came later in the day. This is what my wife drove 2 hours to come and see.

The struggle to keep me alive.

I have memories of my own struggles to stay alive. Jumping from Airplanes, working around helicopters, Desert Storm, purple heart, North Philly, memories galore. However, I have no memories of my accident nor of my initial recovery. And that being the first 3 months after I slammed my head into the asphalt at 30 mph.

Each day I go through my day struggling with the dichotomy of self-actualization and remembering I am not who I was. The pain of that realization hits me several times a day. And pain it is, truly painful down to the bottom of my soul.

I will be going along thinking myself sufficient to the task(s) in front of me and >BAM< I realize that perhaps I am not. And OMG what she went through and endures with. The feelings wash over me like waves from the ocean seeking to reduce the island of calm that I so desperately need. Calm so I don't sound annoyed, so I am not annoyed, and depression is held back as far as it can be.

The guilt, and I do feel guilty on several levels all at once, is almost more than I can bear. No, I am not suicidal - not even close. But I must confess that in my prayers, sometimes, I ask the Lord why? So many fine opportunities to call me home has passed but this one is the hardest patch I have ever had to hoe.

Why Lord? Why?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Who Am I, What Am I... ... Now?

This is a question that "damages my calm".

An interesting point, one that demonstrates my geekdom. That is a phrase from the movie Serenity written and directed by Joss Whedon. A phrase that came out of the mouth of Jayne.

Now, I see myself in Malcolm. Handling life with all of its (sometimes) unwanted gifts & (!=) delights. Captaining this chaos called my life has never been exactly easy. Sometimes painful, physically - emotionally - spiritually. That last sentence describes the Malcolm of me however when the cause of that distress is by the hands, or actions, of another human being - then I am Jayne.

I am a kind soul, however, so I don't keep any weapons other than myself handy. Which can be a source of humor, which I have readily used, yet it is absolutely true. I still have the one weapon that the military put to use, trained me with, encouraged where it could but for a time I had it was taken away.

"My brain"

Who Am I?

My vision has been tested. My eyes changed however one thing that did not is my peripheral vision. I absorb every visual movement around me. Being a Mensan, my brain quickly processes everything I take in. Visual, audibly, even smell and touch.

Which is very trying as my brain has lost its filters. I am slowly regaining the ability to assess the value of incoming data. I used to be overloaded from emotions and data at times. So much so that my brain would just up and quit. It would reach a limit and then just shutdown.

Now that would mean a lot of trouble however the first filter I developed was emotional. Now, I can seem a bit weepy and happy in display. The truth is that is not quite right or accurate. If there is emotional weight to any situation it becomes apparent on my face - without any choice on my part. Yet, that is not what I am "feeling".

What Am I?

For instance, I am so humbled and overwhelmed whenever I go to church. The people there have been so supportive and so giving that I am now, even now, starting to cry just thinking about the level of gratitude I feel towards them. Which makes my visits to church hard to bear.

Whenever I go there I can't NOT feel what I feel towards them. However, they in turn get worried when emotions wash across my face. When the strength of my feelings wash across me, so plain to see, they react. And in reacting, strengthen my gratitude making the emotion even more powerful.

Going to church is wonderful for me, so much so that I sometimes go there when there is no one else there. I walk the backyard path to the outdoor altar and I commune with the Lord. I'd say by myself but that is where all divine communications begin - inside our own hearts.

So, in talking about this I think I am becoming Sheppard. In fact, I did ask about the process of becoming a Minister. However Jayne in me created safe limits. I don't want to be a Pastor. That is a job whose burden I am not yet sufficient to meet. A job I once had many years ago however one that I put at rest but was tempted with. A feeling that was growing, leading up to my accident.

Who Am I? What Am I?