Talk, talk, talk. Something I can not reliably do.

Something that people don't get no matter how plain I am about it: I'm afraid to talk.

Aphasia makes me terrified of conversation, truly. It can not be avoided but what I can avoid is any discussion with depth or substance. Regardless of necessity, I just can not face the stress of starting one as it is highly likely that I'll lose the ability to talk... period.

I know my condition can, at times, make me something of an embarrassment. I know just how undignified and stupid I appear when Aphasia strikes. I know how much I hate my life when this happens. So why is it so hard to understand my reluctance to talk?

This does create problems though: Almost every part of our society requires verbal interaction. Shouldn't be removed but the flaw for me is that much of those interactions require "initiation" from me in the form of verbal dialogue. That leaves me isolated and abandoned in many ways.

Trouble with the Police? Call the department and talk to someone.
Trouble at work? Call H.R. and talk to someone.
Trouble at VFW? Call Dept, State or National and talk to someone.

Just the start of a list of ways I am isolated and abandoned.

I Kind Of Belong,

See, my accident wiped away allot of who I used to be. I used to belong to many worthwhile communities but now I'm different. These differences caused me, and them, some confusion on how to further interact. My Church, a truly worthwhile community, I've become distant from. I know what caused that, just one thing that rubbed me wrong, and it truly doesn't deserve any animosity from anyone. However, I've regularly thought about returning to that aspect of who I used to be but various tasks (work, VFW, etc.) divert me from humbly returning to those fine people.

There are several other communities, bless them for they are worthy to belong to, that I have distanced myself from for not good reasons. That is one of those not talked about complications of Brain Injury. I've succeeded in garnering the gumption to live but there are times where I find myself debating the why should I. I'm not suicidal!!!

I'm just confused about why do this or why do that each & every day. This situation has put me into an existential trauma the likes of which there is little that leads me onward other than the heart that beats inside me.

That being said, this was not a chest beating exercise of me whining about how my life and how I've changed. Today I am pondering about what I have made of my life since then. I've stumbled, often, and I realize that I will continue to do so, now, for the rest of my life. However, this blog, these postings give me a record of my thoughts that I can review to regain context of who I am, why I am, and how I think I should move forward.

Right now, I belong to several new communities. New to me since my accident and I'm going to type about the ones I am proud of for their level of support and interaction with me.

- The VFW, I did not belong before my accident (why not - I don't know) but they have helped me to recover a lot of my identity. Interesting the lifeline that Military training has become. It stamped itself upon me so firmly that I think it was the saving of me. Having someplace where that experienced is mutual has been a phenomenal support avenue. Granted, some of my new flaws complicate matters, Brain Injury is outside their experience but that doesn't change their willingness to accept who I am (now). These guys and gals respect me, provide me outlets to sharpen my wits and encourage me to re-learn much of how to belong to society.

- Work, interesting avenue for sure. Much of what made me competent in the workplace was truly wiped from my mind. I can still do many Information Technology functions but, again, I stumble a lot and stumbling within this environment is not good. So I've taken on a job not far from a high percentage of my military service, again the stamping was strong. I now mess around with auto parts, not a mechanic - never was one either, and I drive those parts to where they need to go. After all, from training and war time service the motor pool is a huge part of who I was and still am.

- Gaming. This is one of those off beat aspects of the old me. I was commonly heavily involved in computer gaming and involved with massive communities that engage in those games. At one point, I interacted worldwide with a couple hundred thousand individuals. Many who liked me, quite a few who did not like me but all knew that if I said something was wet, they all grabbed towels and mops as the situation was wet.

This brings me to a recent community I have joined. It is online, we build and fix. Think Minecraft but on a much more in depth scale if you are familiar with that. Now, such things aren't the cup of tea for my VFW members, Church members, or co-workers. But here I am once again being accepted by a community whose faces I have never seen, spending time striving for mutual gain and satisfaction, and delighting them with my presence.

Still, I stumble at times yet no one there has barked at me for my stumbles. I am learning, at times learning with their help but many times learning by myself what works and does not work. That is the good thing about using this environment, learning without the possibility of physical harm to myself or another. That is one of the prime reason everyone should use computer games. It is an avenue to exercise your brain and strengthen yourself... and explore your capabilities as well.

As these people get to know me one thing about me stood out in their minds and I was promptly stamped with a nickname that honored me greatly. They see that I am highly functional regardless of my new flaws and routinely seek my assistance with ongoing endeavors. Again, like the VFW and Work.

I am blessed as I belong. New places, indeed, but I do belong even with my new flaws.

Professional Decorum

Many civilians don't realize how many concepts and traditions they have acquired from the Military. One such concept is "Decorum". On a personal level you may dislike a co-worker but while you may feel that way never should that thought come out of your mouth or your demeanor. Never should your co-workers know your private opinion of another especially those of supervisory status.

See, I'm currently dealing with two such issues. I have 3 direct supervisors. The Commercial Supervisor who sends us drivers hither and tither about. Then there is the Store Manager and his Assistant Supervisor. This Assistant has, for me, been a phenomenal force for positive change. She strives to make the workplace supportive, encouraging, and worthwhile.

The Commercial Sup truly does not like her and I should NOT know that. The Commercial Customers also know that, THAT should never have happened. Such thoughts expressed undercuts confidence in that person. So, the actual Customers have developed such low expectations from the Assistant that they choose not to interact with her. In fact, one Customer complained to her about her interacting with him as if she was an idiotic bothersome pest in his day.

I can't imagine how that must feel. Actually, I can imagine it and I feel threatened by such antics. After all, I'm the new guy who is mentally disabled. It is disgustingly easy to throw me under a bus, even a bus I had not part in creating.

"Oops!" Says the Commercial Supervisor one day in the future, "Um, sorry this happened.  Q tries hard but he's the new guy with brain damage. What can you expect?"

This leads into my second such issue. A fellow VFW member, again no names, has created, for me, something of a hostile environment. Whether he realizes or not, it is something that I have to bear with as rocking the boat to fix this is going to make me seem like the trouble maker. His aggressive behavior in challenging my every decision and activity has others thinking that is how I should be treated.

An example: Two weeks ago a member annoyed with what he consider a National VFW failing and my somehow failing (as well) stomped into the Post and told me to fix it "Soon or I'll shoot you in your f-ing head". Now being of an intelligent and creative being I, on the spot, created and presented to him a solution that appeased his need and anger. However, I am troubled that such words should EVER come out of anyone's mouth regardless of membership or affiliation.

That was completely a death threat said to a mentally disabled Veteran by another non-mentally disabled Veteran.

Recently I complained about another mistreatment of me and how I could respond, without names I might add. One member, who shall remain unnamed, thought it was about him. So I received a text on my cellphone from him informing me that if I ever talk about him again on my blog (which is not where his issue happened) I will face lawsuits for slander and defamation. Then he continued on complaining about my Facebook post, as if I was talking about him, as if I was trying to get people to hold a pity party since I'm failing my duties, that I swore an oath to uphold, with my laziness and inability to function in that regard.

Well, I have these questions:

1 - Slander and defamation lawsuit from a nebulous Facebook posting? I'm not sure but I don't think that is legal, yet.

2 - What basic quartermaster duty did I need investigated? Yet again?

3 - What pity party is he talking about?

4 - Where did I fail to act or demonstrate any inability to execute the position I swore an oath to uphold?

5 - Is this the best social practices of the VFW itself?

Now, I have asked these same questions from the New Hampshire VFW State Officers. Included my Commander but he's on vacation far away from here but as of yet I have received no answers from anyone. Wonder why I'm feeling abandoned?

Now, if there were some issues to be addressed this member was directed, in the past, to share them ONLY with the Commander, not directly to me. With the Commander being away, he should have approached the Vice Commander as is an appropriate second for such things. This did not happen, once again I have an aggressive person in my presence challenging and questioning my judgement and actions. Further undercutting me with my fellow members. I am beginning to understand why people seem to think treating me in a hostile manner is the way to succeed.

How am I to fulfill my sworn duties with such an pattern of abuse, unchallenged?
I could challenge it but I've tried everything short of cursing and throwing a punch. And that would be even more disastrous as either I would hurt him or he would hurt me. Given his recent bar-room brawling experiences I think I'd get punched a few times before I disable him. And what I'd have to accomplish to disable such an attacker frightens me as it will leave some permanent issues. (Broken bones)

But in the Military no one should ever be dealt with in a hostile fashion unless the are your sub-ordinate and they have truly made a stupid mistake repeatedly. No one should ever know what you think about you superiors, sub-ordinates, or equals. Such expression via demeanor or voice is something that will, if it continues, get your cashiered from the military or the civilian workplace. Well should but civilian aspect likes to think it follows such practices but they don't always.

The Military does let such habits slide, ever.

I am not a liar...

... though at times I may seem like one.

As an example, when a particular location was mentioned I commented that I had never been there. Said this to the person who physically visited the location with me! But, at that moment, when asked about that location I had actually never been there even though I had been there.

This is the disaster that can be caused due to memory issues. At that moment I truly had never been there... until the person looked at me sideways and said "Remember the school bus exit?"
"Aahhh, yes now I remember!"

Additional complication, Aphasia. It's a condition where I say the wrong thing and don't even realize I did that. We may be standing outside enjoying a beautiful moment in the sun, nothing happening other than enjoyment, and I'll say, "what a beautiful Red sky". The sky is and was Blue, not Red, but I actually did say Red.

Did I mean Red? Heck no, but you will hear that.

And therein lies the damage that this condition causes... There are times where I am asked simple yes/no questions. I'll respond quickly, like most people, but that is where Aphasia can strike the hardest: I'll sometimes say the opposite of what I mean and not even know it. Did I mean it, heck no, but that doesn't change what I said.

The best trick from the other person in that situation is to pause then asked me "Are you sure?". To stop and challenge my response as if I meant to misspeak into a lie is not the ideal response. I truly could've accidentally said the opposite without knowing I did... or I could simply not remember something that happened 10 minutes ago... until I take a moment and think. Truly think, a moment where one chews on a thought.

See my disability, being brain damaged, is that any "snap-kick" thought of mine is not to be fully trusted - ever. Not that it will be wrong, just that it could easily be wrong.

And therein lies the pain of my life where other people are concerned.

Who paid for this land?

Politicians - make your laws, break your laws but they do not actually protect your laws.

Lawyers - Argue your laws, use and abuse your laws, but they do not protect your laws.

Judges - Interpret your laws, strive to honor those laws, but do not protect your laws.

Police Officers - Try to enforce your laws, try to stop fellow citizens from acting uncivilized. But they do not protect your laws.

Reporters - Report the news, mangle the news, and provide you with their news about your news. But they do not protect your Freedom of Speech.

Teachers - They promote liberty and freedom, they show how liberty and freedom was achieved, they show the cost that someone else paid for freedom and liberty.

 Soldiers - Protect your laws, protect you from uncivilized hostility that would devastate your life, your family, and everything you care about.

Veterans - All of them but especially the ones eligible for the Veterans of Foreign Wars did the protecting.

This is the land where you can be as hostile as you wish to those who protect(ed) your right to commit that act. Rarely do we ask for anything in return. Never do we take your things, never do we take your partners, and never do we openly complain when you disrespect us. Many other countries you'd be whipped, mutilated, and/or shot for such things.

All in all, this is the Land of the Free. We proudly defended this land, and you, no matter what cost we had to pay.

Abandoned

That is what I am.

Wife and family still by my side, thank God, but in almost every other way I have been abandoned. It is almost as if my accident never happened, at all. If the scars could be wiped away from my body, I bet that "they" (whoever they are) would make them disappear as well.

My accident report doesn't exist. In fact, for me to try to get any information about that day I, a brain injury survivor, have to drive down to Boston and show up in person to get any answers. The financial burdens from a couple of weeks in ICU, again wiped clean. All the critical life support time at Brigham & Woman's, all the surgeries, the time coming out of coma at Northeast Rehab Hospital, all that medical treatment was (for me) completely and totally FREE. I can not find out who secretly paid all the medical bills either. "They" did not wish to be known.

Since I do not know "who" New Hampshire Lawyers don't want to be bothered by me. Firstly, things happened in Boston. Saying Boston is an almost immediate get out of my office response. Finally, after years of desperately (me!) trying to find legal representation I contacted a nationwide service. The service took 3 days and said, "Since we don't know WHO, and without that we don't know what you could gain, we politely reject your case." Don't know what I could gain?

HOW ABOUT SOME FUCKING ANSWERS!!!

Please, without the accident report - which I'm sure would appear if someone sues over this matter - we don't have names of any witnesses and we don't know what happened to me. And to be honest, that is all I want to know: What happened!! Why is my life now such a burden to everyone around me, including me, now?

And people wonder about Robin Williams actions? Here was a resoundingly successful man in the prime of his life facing a sudden inexorable decline into senility and madness. I face that reality every morning when I wake up, I know that depression, I know that mental anguish.

That is what I think many people (even close family) don't understand: Just because I am seemingly jolly go-lucky in attitude, just because I apparently have memory issues, people seem to think I laugh my way through life. I don't.

Jolly go-luckiness is a family trained defense against life's many sadness-es. It helped me handle my P.T.S.D., being able to talk with others as an equal helped me as well. That equality has been stripped from me. The words "brain damaged" does not come up but that is how I am treated. By family, by friends, by the Government (on all levels), and by legal representation.

The only thing that sometimes pops into my mind is why haven't I ended this problem? If I did so, family would be released from further emotional and financial baggage I present and "they"/"who" can now stop worrying that I'll find them and sue them for interfering in those so called god given rights that I sweated and bled to defend. That is the bitter irony for me, here I spent a couple years of  my young life defending American freedoms... while having someone now using those freedoms to deny me mine. In many ways I wish "they" had just killed me: all of this would be over, for me at the least.

Yes, my life sucks and I am abandoned searching for ways out of suck.

Exhaustion is my enemy

    Granted it is everyone's enemy. For me getting tired intefere's with my ability to speak, to think, and to stay upright. I've been letting my enjoyment of working allow me to get into situations that are, in hindsight, high risk and should be avoided.

    See part of my daily routine, since my accident, has been a nap. It usually takes place in the afternoon after 6 - 8 hours of wakefulness. The more mental activity that takes place in that time frame, the more necessary the nap becomes. With my new job I strove to find one that I could work 3 - 4 hours in the morning, go home and take my wife to work, then go home and continue my daily routine.

    Here is one aspect that is surprise to people when I share it: My pain NEVER stops.

    The extensive nerve damage in my forearms makes it so they are always a live wire of pain. This pain has become, essentially, background noise that is always heard but unless you focus on it, not paid much attention. As I get tired, the background noise/pain becomes more noticeable until I reach a point where my arms become inoperable.

    Last night, after a day of 12 hours of nice mental activity I paid the unwanted price: I fell down. I was so tired, unrealized, that I stumble while going through the front door of my house. The door, which closes on it own, snagged my back heel causing me to stumble. Hands full at the time I went down falling into a window, ripping the screen, and landing heavily on the window frame cracking some ribs. I also sprained my ankle in the process and scratched up my body in various areas from sudden violent contact with things.

    This places me in an awkward position indeed: Scheduled to work, going to see if I can call out so I can go to my primary care physician to get properly checked out and treated. Also going to see if work can comply with my shift request or I'll have to say goodbye to them and continue looking for worthwhile activity with which to spend my days.

    The terror I put my wife through during that fall - I will not let that happen again, ever!