Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Who Am I, What Am I... ... Now?

This is a question that "damages my calm".

An interesting point, one that demonstrates my geekdom. That is a phrase from the movie Serenity written and directed by Joss Whedon. A phrase that came out of the mouth of Jayne.

Now, I see myself in Malcolm. Handling life with all of its (sometimes) unwanted gifts & (!=) delights. Captaining this chaos called my life has never been exactly easy. Sometimes painful, physically - emotionally - spiritually. That last sentence describes the Malcolm of me however when the cause of that distress is by the hands, or actions, of another human being - then I am Jayne.

I am a kind soul, however, so I don't keep any weapons other than myself handy. Which can be a source of humor, which I have readily used, yet it is absolutely true. I still have the one weapon that the military put to use, trained me with, encouraged where it could but for a time I had it was taken away.

"My brain"

Who Am I?

My vision has been tested. My eyes changed however one thing that did not is my peripheral vision. I absorb every visual movement around me. Being a Mensan, my brain quickly processes everything I take in. Visual, audibly, even smell and touch.

Which is very trying as my brain has lost its filters. I am slowly regaining the ability to assess the value of incoming data. I used to be overloaded from emotions and data at times. So much so that my brain would just up and quit. It would reach a limit and then just shutdown.

Now that would mean a lot of trouble however the first filter I developed was emotional. Now, I can seem a bit weepy and happy in display. The truth is that is not quite right or accurate. If there is emotional weight to any situation it becomes apparent on my face - without any choice on my part. Yet, that is not what I am "feeling".

What Am I?

For instance, I am so humbled and overwhelmed whenever I go to church. The people there have been so supportive and so giving that I am now, even now, starting to cry just thinking about the level of gratitude I feel towards them. Which makes my visits to church hard to bear.

Whenever I go there I can't NOT feel what I feel towards them. However, they in turn get worried when emotions wash across my face. When the strength of my feelings wash across me, so plain to see, they react. And in reacting, strengthen my gratitude making the emotion even more powerful.

Going to church is wonderful for me, so much so that I sometimes go there when there is no one else there. I walk the backyard path to the outdoor altar and I commune with the Lord. I'd say by myself but that is where all divine communications begin - inside our own hearts.

So, in talking about this I think I am becoming Sheppard. In fact, I did ask about the process of becoming a Minister. However Jayne in me created safe limits. I don't want to be a Pastor. That is a job whose burden I am not yet sufficient to meet. A job I once had many years ago however one that I put at rest but was tempted with. A feeling that was growing, leading up to my accident.

Who Am I? What Am I?


1 comment:

  1. While I may not know who I am in entirety, like many of us living today, I did find out several worthwhile things about myself this day. After spending 8 hours as a Pease Greeter I found that:

    1 - Respected and honored Combat Sgt.
    2 - Strong shoulder and back
    3 - Lovable Geek for wearing a Minecraft Creeper T-Shirt
    4 - Clever enough to make Marine's laugh, even the female Marines!!!