Monday, March 5, 2018

Found out what is wrong with me

It's not incurable but not painlessly solved. I suffer from P.T.S.D.. A VFW friend noticed something about me, pulled me aside, and asked a simple question... the answer of which opened up this unfortunate can of worms that is my life.

"Are you scared?"

Apparently he finally realized that while I act appropriately there is almost no hesitation from action on my part. A hyper state of alert, medically called anxiety, is a common symptom of P.T.S.D.. That may explain why there are triggers in the world that can send me back to Desert Shield in a flashback.

Suddenly I am there listening to Patriot missiles dealing with Scud missiles. In that moment I panic for two reasons: I can't find my gas mask which means I will shortly be dead and I have no idea where the debris from those missiles will fall potentially crushing me or trapping me in the building.

These reasons are highly likely to occur in that environment I was in and I was not momentarily in such an environment. For several weeks, months even, this was what was happening 8 hours a night. When we should have been resting and sleeping we were under that attack, each and every night for 8 hours at a time. You could not comfortably sleep in M.O.P.P. 4 chemical protective gear. (Google MOPP 4, look at the pictures) You can safely pass out, if your lucky, in that mode and gain some rest for the next day's physical/mental requirements.

The bad thing about P.T.S.D. is people have such bad ideas about it. It is the traumatic events you must endure to continue living. That is, I think, a key aspect of the condition: to continue living. To succeed at that there are awful things each of us must face and they can, not will, leave their mark on you. Physically and/or mentally that event will.

In my case, I have not left "fight or flight" mode for a number of decades. This has led to flashbacks, regular nightmares, and constant knee jerk reactions. The VA has become aware of this problem and are willing to assist me in resolving this with me. My old coping mechanisms don't quite work anymore due to the civilian brain injury I suffered, another continue living: event that has left marks. So I will have to let them try to teach me other mechanisms, or medications, to help me with my hyper alert state.


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