Thursday, August 1, 2013

Why, why, why?

I keep telling everyone that "what" is the important question for me. What is without debate, it is with argument, it just is. "Why" is vastly much more problematic. Why leads to what people feel, what they think, and what the will get angry about. Why is the basis for much discord and as a Mason, as a TBI sufferer, discord is very unpleasant.

I am me but not me.

This would require me to explain "why" which I may not be able to properly do. "What" is easy, I am a totally married purple hearted combat veteran mensan who happens to be a mason that practices his religion at a United Methodist church. <whew> That is not 100% but one person can only do so much at any one given point of time.

Now to dig into "why". I said totally married, not happily married. Before today I would like to have said happily but at this moment I am not happy. My wife, bless her soul, is trying to deal with my injury but without support. No one to talk out her experience or problems dealing with my TBI. Her solution is to treat everything I do with extreme caution.... almost to the point of disinterest.

I make myself so busy, trying to keep my extremely active mind engaged. However what I have to go through to share my current life with my current wife is on the outer edges of my endurance and capabilities. No matter how much I try I seem to annoy her with my "need for attention". I would like to say that I am much more salient then I was in the past however the most important person, outside of myself, this matters to does not realize this.

I am afraid.

What I am trying to do, the things I am involved with, hopefully will last longer than me. Given the weight of my life, I know for a fact how transient my life really really is. But should something happen to me I would like for these changes to continue. My wife's level of interest is causing me to develop founderitis. In a normal person, this is not healthy. For me, with my condition, this can be life altering pain and turmoil.

Talking about it to her could be a solution yet when I make any observation about her she takes it personally. Positive observations are treated like pranks or jokes if I'm lucky. Negative ones are treated like general judgement against her the core of her soul.

I don't know what to do. I love my wife, oh God do I love my wife. But I am feeling that my life would be better if I was more disabled. Even needier than I really am. At this moment I am being lashed by my Gov't, by my charitable drives, and now by my wife.


I would really like to know. What is so different about me that makes me vulnerable to such behaviors. These could not have been happening before my accident. I am not shy, if these were happening I would have said something. So what make Brain Injury so horrible that I am finding myself in such horrible position.

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