Monday, December 23, 2013

I am torn between acceptance and anger

I accept that I had an accident, I accept that I am disabled however what makes me angry is just how small a "box" being disabled forces me into.

I am NOT disabled enough for a handicap placard or recognition from Social Security, oh no, that would make sense. However I am disabled enough that Habitat is worried I might now be insane or, Civil Air Patrol thinks I might be a liability in practical exercises. Habitat I understand, the guys running it here in NH are petty. C.A.P. I don't understand.

When I was a teenager I was in C.A.P. though I was growing up in North Philly. I have since served in the 101st Airborne and as a combat soldier in Desert Storm. Yet, somehow my accident give the part time Boy Scout Pretend-2-Be Soldiers pause..?? Of the two of us, which one amongst us understand the physical and mental needs to be at the needs of the military?

Add to which I almost made it to West Point... just off my abilities. My disqualification had nothing to do with my abilities or integrity in any way shape or form. If I had just one iota less honor, I would have made it to Ft Monmouth, N.J. and from there university and officer school. All just based on my entrance exam and the subsequent S.A.T. Taken while in Basic Training on extended physical sleep deprived exercises. I did not just pass, I excelled....

There in lies my distress: Who gets to define my handicap for me?

People seem to think my cognition should be impaired so they do my thinking for me. Regardless of whether I want them to or not. Supposedly I should be upset about what happened to me, so I am a bundle of unexpressed anger if I can ever think hard enough to tap into it. My problem is that I am only obedient to the Lord... and my Father. Therein lies the difficulty with some of the support groups. They would like to me have a lazy eye and do a bit more drooling. Be sympathetic in appearance so that people will feel sorry for me and open their wallets to fund the support group's marketing program.

At what point are people taking advantage of my disability for their own purposes?

The inability of the medical establishment to specify exactly what I will have to deal with, to face, in the long term recovery makes me the unwanted child. Ambiguous enough to speculate, and using that speculation for financial gains, however ambiguous enough that I am to be disregarded.

In fact, just by not kowtowing to assumed authority, not my wife, got me into trouble with the Police. Did not raise my voice, made no gestures of any kind, but because I won't let someone else define my disability for me... I am a threat.

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