Thursday, April 17, 2014

I am an Explorer...

... and nothing short of death will stop me.

This is something that is a problem for some of the people in my life:
  •     My wife, who worries about me,
  •     My friends, the ones still dealing with the impact my accident made in their own psyches,
  •     Fellow Masons, especially those who's careers are impacted by letiguous hyenas,
  •     Even co-workers.
Co-Workers - Working at Home Depot is satisfying a number of needs, pay being the least one. There is alot of physical activity and exercise which is helping me develop into who I used to be. Sadly, some have some experience in dealing with the disabled. One with way too much experience with brain injury. Her trouble is she became the care giver for someone who took very foolhardy risks, with ego & pride. The risk finally caught up with this loved one, of her's, and she is torn between her love for the man and her frustration with his condition & opinion of how he did this to himself.

Another need is the fluid population. The co-workers, there are many whose schedules are very fluid, the customers, whose needs and personalities are extremely fluid, and vendors, again fluid needs. The exercise strains my cognition on a daily basis however it is restoring my confidence inside myself.

Fellow Masons - Have been at my side, like good Brothers. Which they are. However, like brothers, some of them are risk averse. My gregarious nature frightens some of them. Before my accident, it was contained and controlled. It made me something to watch and enjoy. I am relearning that balance however there are those who fear the potential lawsuits that could be slapped against me. Frivolous lawsuits, yes, ones based on the fact that I don't act like others of our society. The truth is I have never acted like others of our society. Just now it is much more obvious. (My wife found an excellent quote that she feels describes me but I'll share it at the end.)

My Friends - Local ones were greatly impacted by my accident. The are good friends, almost siblings. They supported my wife during my initial recovery, they supported me as my sapience grew and returned. One even served as a care giver during my first weeks out of the hospital. However they have developed a negative triat. If a goal come out of my mouth, after all you share these things with friends, the immediate responses are ones that are about how many troubles there are reaching for the stars. What they don't realize is that they are inhibiting me from being me.

My wife - Of course she is worried about me. Her love for me is of an epic nature. One the I brought down upon myself by choice. When I met her, I knew. Just knew, nothing more, nothing less. In fact I am tearing up right now trying to find words about her and my love for each other. She is the life of me. So much so that talking about her makes me regret my nature. I am the outer bounds of what she accepts from external behaviors, male or female. Irony being ironic, I found out that it is my "out of bounds" nature matched with my integrity and self discipline that is what generated love of me in her.

Another aspect of my condition is my inhibitions have been removed. It has made me something she doesn't like. Loves but doesn't like. In retrospect, that was the basis of our relationship. Someone who acts in ways that strengthens her love for him but, by her nature, acts in ways she doesn't like. That was a nice edge to live on for over a decade however my accident has added worry to the trifecta of emotions that runs through her heart. Will it work, that is the question regarding my marriage. Love her I do, love me she does, I think it is strong enough to survive this. No, I have faith that she is my partner the Lord has determined for me to have.

She found a quote that she feels explains me very well -

    People laugh at me becuase they think I am different.
    I laugh them because they are all the same.

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