Tuesday, May 19, 2015

How low can confidence go?

It looked like I screwed the pooch, been spending the past few hours in panic mode over it.... and then it got proven that I didn't screw up. Just made a choice that added a slight complication to our day but not a bad choice nor wrong one.

What complicated things was that I did not remember the specifics of the choice I made so when decisions needed to be made... details seemed like I screwed up. And this is where the real problem lies for me.

I make a simple human mistake or is it? Is it because of my brain injury? Or the onset of age to this not young guy? Where do I place my confidence? In myself? This is a real dilemma though it may not sound like it to you. But for me?

I used to jump from airplanes, whenever needed I deployed my reserve chute. I used to be armed with an M-203 attached underneath an M-16. Quite accurate in use and excellently talented in knowing when to use them. I've got 15K combat miles and only one vehicle damaged (from a mine). All before I was 23 yrs old.

Now, I don't trust myself to talk because of Aphasia. I can't always feel confident even in what I feel as the pain never ends and sensation hasn't fully returned to my arms/hands or my face. My memory is shoddy as hell. A geek joke I make: My primary HD now has bad clusters.

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