Wednesday, November 4, 2015

This my life now.

This is one of those things that everyone has experienced but don't remember. We all start life and have to learn what sensations, feelings, and issues there are with our new bodies. Our brain is the interpreter of all of these information points. It learns and develops neuron pathways to understand, to react appropriately to stimuli. As we grow, we (and our brain) learns what is what. But what happens when the interpreter is disconnected?

What happens when those pathways are disrupted or shutdown, even for a hot moment?

This is where a lot of us exist. Relearning, re-experiencing, understanding our bodies all over again. Sometimes from scratch square one.

Trying to explain to others how I don't know my body anymore. To explain that my body, my skin, is NEW to me. I was reduced to infancy and life is not easy. Society just doesn't understand this anymore. In fact, Society which is all around me are bad parents. The abrupt lessons it has taught me are just that, abrupt, unkind, and hostile in many cases.

I am now really the odd man out and Society does not appreciate that. It is disheartening in many ways. I've fought for them, I've sweated for them, I've made some bleed for them, and I've bled for them. And, at times, they really don't like me becuase I don't fit into what they expect or want.

Here is a nice way I described some issue:

"however since I am disabled many employers don't want to touch me. Nothing obvious mind you but brain injury does make my memory unreliable and my social skills less than par.  Add to the fact that I am built like a linebacker, I can understand hesitation and reluctance regarding my possible misadventures in the workforce."

So here I am, a little mental kid slapped into the body of a line backer. Trying to live, to exist, to be productive while at the same time my Interpreter (brain) is re-wiring itself. Signals come in and have to find out where to go. To seek the recipient, to be understood, to be. Added to which my Interpreter has to find new pathways to express itself. Pathways that are new, or broken, or just not quite healed.

This my life now and sadly I'm trapped in the same ruts over and over again. I remember, kind of, who I used to be. Where I grew up, my extended family, my service and I'm still trying to make sense of the things I remember. The things these memories make me feel, not all of it is good nor is it comfortable. I know that I might be repeating myself, good Lord my hindsight works great but is disengaged during any experience. I know that I'm trapped, stuck in a rut, going over and over the same spot again and again but I can't stop this ride.

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