Sunday, September 22, 2013

12 Hours Left... ...

I'm struggling today a bit more than usual. By "date", tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my TBI accident. However by "time" it is less than 12 hours till the 1 year mark of that event. Or, as a VFW brother said, "The mark of my unluckiest lucky moment of your life".

The struggle is understanding the enormity of the moment I lived through. I remember the moments leading up to the accident. I was heading downhill in an awesomely panoramic moment, loving this beautiful earth and words of angelic joy filling my throat, and then... I started waking up again. Part of me struggles with the lack of "the next moment". I feel like I should remember it, that there was something that I'm just letting slip from my memory. The only benefit is that I don't have PTSD from the accident, itself, however I do feel a bit of stress over not remembering it. I should or what is the point of this well trained Combat Veteran mind if I can't remember my environment or actions.

The real PTSD that I am having to deal with is not my own, at all. It is the burden that my wife shouldered. What she endured for her husband is the stuff of legend. I do not feel worth such legendary endurance however regardless of how I feel about myself I was, and am, the recipient of it. I strive to honor that effort, that gift, with each waking moment that the Lord graces me with.

One major part of my philosophy is: That it is better to give than receive, yes, but if you receive badly how do you make the giver feel?

The Lord gave me the gift of life. I am going to live, as much as I can, to make him pleased to have given me that gift. Now, I have my wife's gift of love to honor and cherish just as much as my own life. And I will no matter what it takes, I will honor her gift to me and cherish her love for me... forever Moore.

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