Thank You For Your Service

People routinely say this to me. It often comes off as, "Made eye contact and I must say something for having made eye contact. Hello doesn't seem good enough so I'll toss out the old stand by, 'Thank you....'" And those close to me wonder why I feel awkward when I am thanked.

Only ONE time did I get thanked in such a manner that I turned to the person (a woman), stood at attention, and gave her the sharpest salute I could. My wife's jaw dropped, from my firm expression of gratitude and the manner in which I was thanked.

As my wife and I was leaving a restaurant, with my take out in hand, a woman walked up having noticed my veteran license plate and seeing the "Insert War" Veteran hat. She greeted me so vibrantly and asked if I would allow her to by my lunch. She then handed me a $20 bill and quite firmly gripped my hand expressing the strength of her gratitude.

I truly regret not getting her name or using my phone to take a snapshot of such a resoundingly vibrant face. But it is that experience which helped me to learn that perhaps some of you out there... mean those words.

So I no longer shy away from being thanked and for that, wherever you are my dear, thank you for thanking me for my service.

This is who I am: Stranger, Yes. Offender, No

I'm recently back from a vacation to Philadelphia. Now, while on vacation I got in good exercise. I'd go walking for about 2 - 3 hours. New Jersey has these wonderful parks that encourage such efforts. Coming home I thought I'd continue the practice.

Now, I live next to the Middle & High School and behind the Elementary School. Kids by the dozens walk by my front door. Whenever I'm there I politely wave and give a short greeting and continue with my task. Almost ZERO interaction. However some of these kids are so appreciative of my service, I have a picture frame filled with a wonderful poem written by one of them on my living room wall.

So I had the practice of walking to one spot of High School grounds from my house. Measuring the distance, there and back was one mile. With my damaged equilibrium that would take me about 25 minutes to complete. I would do it NOT when the kids were going to school. No need to upset "normals" though I proudly wear my Desert Storm Veteran hat (with my airborne pin).

Having ended my vacation a day early I was sitting around the house and I realized that I could still do my vigorous walks. I walked to the High School, while passing the Middle School. My path took me out to a Greek Orthodox Church and to the local Fire Department. As I was heading back to Route 9 (my address) I went down Bartlett Ave.

As I walked down that way - I noticed a woman and kid having difficulty. I greeted them and asked if help would be appreciated. She turned and her face showed gratitude. I walked up and helped her empty the harvest bag from her lawnmower. The kid, and woman, just were not built in such a way to lift the bag to a proper position for easy emptying. (And it was heavy!!) Finishing up, and being thanked, I went to continue my walk and the kid started walking with me. I turned to him and asked him a question, "What's my name?"

"I don't know."

"Then I am a stranger! Now you go to Mommy or Daddy right now! Mommy or Daddy handle strangers, you do not!"

The Mom, who was looking a touch anxious, relaxed and waved thanks after listening to my lesson to the young man. The smile on her face, after helping and after teaching, was worth the experience. These are smiles that reach into my soul and tickle me. I am the oldest of six kids who grew up in a dangerous neighborhood. I know how parents worry and to make one smile in relief is joyful beyond words to describe.

I continued down Barlett with one of my hands smeared with grass cuttings and juices. As I walked I notice the Martin J. Flanigan Community Center was still open and I entered to wash my hand in the bathroom. I used to work at Flanigan. At the time of my accident, I was the Asst Spvr for Strafford County's Meals on Wheels program and that was the HQ for that activity.

So I knew where the bathroom was. Entering I passed the door to the gym while heading to the bathroom. Having some combat PTSD issues I always look and assess an area as I pass. So I glanced into the room to see what was going on. Some teenagers were at play and there was a Coach focusing their activity. I turned to continue to the bathroom when the Coach sounded off. "Who are you?!? What kid are you here to see?!?"

My aphasia kicked in with hostile verbal interaction suddenly in front of me. Stuttering I tried to talk but my talking was not fast enough for Coach. He approached me shouting at me and then I got worried that he might make the mistake of making physical contact with me. The Army taught me how to terminate such an attack and I got terrified that I'd fall back into habit and accidentally harming the dumb coach. I never even got to say my name. He didn't care: I was some perverted sex offender acting up on his watch!

Here I am, mentally disabled, walking into my old workplace, wearing a combat veteran hat, being accosted by a 6 foot PLUS overweight guy (which describes me as well) trying to figure out how to answer "ANSWER ME DAMMIT ANSWER ME DAMMIT". At my size and inability to speak, I'm a police shooting waiting to happen. Am I offended? Heck yeah. The picture frame with the poem inside it was handed to me by our Mayor. The honor of that still shivers in my spine.

Now, this is where people don't get this: I AM MENTALLY DISABLED. Not crazy, not perverse, not stupid. Just sideways in cognition. 2 plus 2 equals the same thing it always did. It just takes me longer to remember how to do math - math itself. Adding is easy for me, lickety split, but remembering and figuring out if math is appropriate at that moment... that takes longer.

It is moments like this that cause me great mental distress. I'm a member of Mensa (meaning I'm not dumb by far), I bled for the freedoms of my fellow citizens (Yes, purple heart-ed I am), I used to jump out of flying vehicles (planes mostly but sometimes helicopters), and I wielded death in my hands (M16 with an M203 attached).

So for a guy who got stabbed a couple of weeks after jumping out of an airplane to shoot bad guys and launch grenades at distant mortar emplacements to no longer be able to speak in the face of an a$$hole I could take out without building up sweat.... that is who I am now.

A Stranger, Yes. A heart broken one that can't always speak.

Offender, No. Even if you put your hands on me and I break your face/body for doing so.

PS: I'm realizing a trend here. Society does not know, or care to know, how to treat me. It seems that my being sideways is trouble for them. As such, when I was faced with the surprise question "Live or Die" why did I choose to continue living? Don't know but I endeavor to find out why.

Do not mistake me being odd/weird as hostile or dangerous.

See, all of my life I have been the odd man out. Growing up, the white tall kid where no white kids dare existed, even now. Army, an officer wannabe who got disqualified but jumps out of Airplanes (???). Civilian life, PTSD sufferer without any violent tendencies. The list goes on...

Throughout all this there has been some consistencies: Integrity, Honor, and Loyalty. Within this wreck of a body lives the soul of a Marine. Fortunately, a brain lives here as well. (/joke)

My accident has damaged my brain in ways Doctors still don't know. I am now high risk for strokes, aneurisms, slip and falls, again the list goes on. However, what has not been damaged is the core of who I've been all my life. Now, with some brain injuries this is not the case. With mine, I am STILL me with some small changes.

The biggest change is Aphasia. Another change is my tendency to blurt which may be a regular sign of my Aphasia. Blurt - say something suddenly and without careful consideration. I don't just blurt verbally as well. I blurt on social media also. Which may, for some people, explain my annoyance with the people of the world who don't know or don't properly remember me.

I didn't say I did not say that.

I said I am not the one who said that.

Yesterday I shared someone else's joke. I thought this joke was funny even if a bit off the beaten path. Of course I have always thought I was funny just off the beaten path. Before accident as well as after accident. I shared this joke on Facebook and on Google Plus. Facebook has been a medium of family connection, Google Plus not so much family but other computer geeks like me. Via Facebook family got concerned about my intentions, like gestapo-ish overseers, while on G+ laughter ensued and chit chatting over the topic engaged.

The family was worried about Police involvement of my life.

"John people get arrested these days for stuff they post on Facebook!"

Yes, ID10T's do. In fairness, gobs of people get arrested every day. The list of people unfairly or unjustly arrested also grows every day. That being said, while unfair arrests happen apologies are rarer. There is always some charge that can be made in every situation.

My charge, off the back? Breathing. Add in possible conspiracy involvement, causing terror to short people for being so tall, forcing the general public to treat me nice by looking like a line backer, and guilty of being odd and brain injured. He is now guilty of being Mentally Disabled, of course he's stupid and crazy NOW!

The truth is I'm a police shooting waiting to happen. Even with a Veteran license plate, heck given the Hollywood disrespect of our PTSD issues a Veteran license plate is increasing my odds of being some nice guy shot down by the police. And that was BEFORE the accident!

So, to my friends on Google+ (especially the Eve Online buddies/targets!) thank you for getting that it was a joke and laughing along with me over the joke. To my concerned family: Shame on yall for forgetting who I am. Oh and bleep-bleep-bleepity-bleep-bleep.

Shared some tips

Me:  Shared some tips from my experience that they hadn't thought of... though they are exceeding well prepared from training opportunities. A couple of weeks here and there at NTC.

Friend on Skype: uh huh

Me: Which is an opfor mission area in the Mojave Desert.

Friend on Skype: so you gave them your perspective

Me: Yeah... they were ready to pack sweaters or field jackets. I told them pack BOTH.
From their time in California... they experienced 110 degrees dropping to 70. Their jaws dropped when I told them what they might really get.

125 degrees dropping to 50.

Friend on Skype: hopefully they will listen and pass it on

Me: But the other technique that I shared really got them nodding.

"Whenever you get thirsty before you drink some water ask your buddy when was the last time he drank?" I got ??? until I explained the solution.

Friend on Skype: right so everyone stays hydrated

Me: Yup, but everyone stays connected and in touch with each other. That's the core of good teamwork.

Friend on Skype: very true. brothers keeper, marco polo

Me: I.e. A casualty doesn't just put the team 1 man down. He's down and those taking care of him are down. It's one of them counter intuitive things. That's why a smart enemy doesn't want you dead... yet. He just wants you to help distract or divert your buddies.

They nodded in understanding... then I told them about their #1 enemy that will start attacking them once they get in country.

Heat.

Heat casualties are really preventable and can be really troublesome. The brain starts going... on a person with a gun. Not nice imho.

So at the end of that "class"... I was given their unit patch and they all asked my name adopting me I think. The added facet... of all the VFW guys there I was Young uncle age to these kids. So I could talk their cultural language allowing for the connecting.

Oh, and at some point thier medical guys (emt's) found out from the other vfw guys about my TBI. Another aspect they could not really believe until they pointedly asked me if I had one. Yeah... oh and the fact that I was airborne made them laugh as well. Proof that I was crazy before my TBI in their joking.

I couldn't disagree with them.

Life long adrenalin junkie I am.

How low can confidence go?

It looked like I screwed the pooch, been spending the past few hours in panic mode over it.... and then it got proven that I didn't screw up. Just made a choice that added a slight complication to our day but not a bad choice nor wrong one.

What complicated things was that I did not remember the specifics of the choice I made so when decisions needed to be made... details seemed like I screwed up. And this is where the real problem lies for me.

I make a simple human mistake or is it? Is it because of my brain injury? Or the onset of age to this not young guy? Where do I place my confidence? In myself? This is a real dilemma though it may not sound like it to you. But for me?

I used to jump from airplanes, whenever needed I deployed my reserve chute. I used to be armed with an M-203 attached underneath an M-16. Quite accurate in use and excellently talented in knowing when to use them. I've got 15K combat miles and only one vehicle damaged (from a mine). All before I was 23 yrs old.

Now, I don't trust myself to talk because of Aphasia. I can't always feel confident even in what I feel as the pain never ends and sensation hasn't fully returned to my arms/hands or my face. My memory is shoddy as hell. A geek joke I make: My primary HD now has bad clusters.

Understanding our heroes and ourselves...

An uncomfortable aspect of brain injury, for others, is our disability in "locking into" thoughts. For one brief moment we think we see a bright moment of glorious truth and we hold onto that moment for all we can. However, that moment is just that - a moment. That glorious truth does not encapsulate the entirety of the situation/person.

In my case, as an example, a friend of mine was worried that I locked into "hero worship" mode with him. I took some worthwhile gestures on his part during my recovery and expressed much gratitude for them. Perhaps over expressed them, from his mindset. And, in fairness, he could be right. Throughout this process I've not always made the best choices or expressed myself in ways that I am proud of nor in ways that does the best justice to the situation. But hero worship?

It is, or was, possible as our decision making process has been interfered with. For a brief moment, or not so brief, our attachment to life and society was interrupted. Surviving that moment has changed us in ways not understood and not always for the betterment of us. The people during our recovery are complex individuals with history. Likes, dislikes, proud moments and not so proud moments. When we meet these people we are not looking at them from a similarly complex mindset. We are, or can be, looking at them from a toddlers mindset.

"If you've ever tried reasoning with a 2-year-old, you know the meaning of futility. Toddlers are wondrously curious and beguiling. They're also irrational, self-centered, and convinced of their own omnipotence. But you can't blame them -- that's just the way their brains are wired. Still in an early stage of cognitive development, toddlers think in fundamentally different ways from older children and adults."

So, in the early stages of my cognitive re-development I developed an idea that bothered a friend with the weary burden upon his shoulders. In an attempt to fix that, I've taken this morning to try to understand and explain what happened. I can only hope that I've scratched the surface of the subject enough as the only way for someone else to truly understand is for them to experience brain injury themselves.

Virtual Geocaching

... is how I briefly explained Ingress.

Geo-caching is an interesting activity that I really don't find interesting. Additionally anything that involves me doing any writing is not something I want to do. (As my mangled wrists has not even begun to write like they use to - and they weren't well skilled then!) My speech therapist was asking me about the multitude of activities that I exercise my cognition with. Minecraft she knew of, but hasn't played, but Ingress she had never heard about. She felt Geo-caching was interesting and that led to explaining it that way.

Another aspect of Ingress is not just the Virtuality of the Geo-caching but the social aspect. For entertainment's sake there is a competition side, one team against another team. This competitive aspect makes the Virtual Caches insecure requiring attention to them.

The linking mechanism is another social aspect competitive addition. Link to another Virtual Cache can not cross other links so you could be blocked by a teammate or a competitor ... even totally unaware of the block. Successful links between three caches creates a field which adds to the team score. Personal scores are tracked mind you but helping the team - a nice social aspect. As an added bonus many Virtual Caches are not easily accessed by car, and should not be!!!, so like an old soldier that I am I get out and walk to them.

Using Virtual equipment, gaining Virtual Achievements, on an on.

See, computer gaming exercises your brain. And in safe non-physical environments thus if you oopsy no one gets hurt. Or only their feelings if anything. For a brain injured person, exercising the brain is a strong part of recovery. Stimulating exercise prevents stagnation of ideas.

Embrace the dynamic is what I say.